Change is Hard

I've decided to do this all Pulp Fiction style . . . no, not spouting out Ezekiel while mowing down everyone. Telling some of my story of how I got here, and what's happening now. Other wise I'll never be able to write in the moment.


. . . So, after having my beautiful boy, I had no desire whatsoever to move quicker than a brisk walk. Ever. It took quite a while (like a year and a half) to work my way up to deciding (again) to do a half marathon. That was this last summer. I had to start from square one.

We started with running one minute, walking one minute (repeated for 30 minutes). I figured that I could do anything for one minute. The next week I ran one and a half minutes and walked one minute and so on until the wonderful day that I ran half a mile, walked 2 minutes and ran another half a mile, etc. I was so excited. I got up to 3 miles. Tough, but do-able. But there was a huge hurdle . . . the voice in my head. It's hard to do something physically hard when you don't believe in yourself and have to fight the thoughts in your own mind while convincing yourself to go another half mile. After all, I'm not a runner. I was born to make music, not run. Remember?

Fighting this battle each time made me dread going out. Plus my wonderfully supportive husband just flat out runs faster than me, so failing to keep up with his "slow" pace just added to the pressure I was feeling.

Then add teaching on top of that. I had to find time to go out and face those demons again and again. Running became an internal battle. I had to have energy to fight those thoughts and tell myself I could do it and to keep going, when I didn't necessarily believe it. All this while I was already physically and emotionally drained from teaching high schoolers and taking care of a toddler all day. So, I fell off the wagon. I went out once in a while but mostly just became a burden on my hubby who was trying to get us out and exercising.

As time went by, I started running by myself on the treadmill - no pressure, and with the distraction of TV. Running wasn't as much of a battle when the Simpsons were on. And then we became addicted to the Biggest Loser . . .



. . . So, things have been going really well the last few weeks. I mean, I used to run a total of 6-9 miles each week and now I run 16-17 miles each week. I ran seven miles on Saturday! SEVEN MILES! I can still hardly believe it. I'm halfway to a half marathon. We've been working our way up to it, with long runs every other weekend, and I've felt a lingering soreness in the side of my calves, but normal, right? I was pumped after my run! I AM pumped. SEVEN MILES! Monday I was all kinds of ready to do my bi-weekly 5 mile run, and then there it was . . . is it just me, or does it feel like someone is trying to tear my muscle from my bone? Yep. I'm officially a runner now. I have shin splints. Not too big of a deal, but scary for me. Why?

I am a big talker. I talk about doing all kinds of things. And I don't do them. I've resolved to do a half marathon twice before now and haven't done it. Things have been good, but what will a week without running do? I'm scared I'll fall into my usual pattern of getting out of habit and falling into my lazy, no exercise life style that I so easily become accustomed to.

And I think I have to find new shoes, even though I love the ones I have. And last time I looked for shoes, I looked for weeks and hated all of the ones I tried on. And what if I spend all this money just to get more shin splints or just hate the shoes? And will this add to my natural digression to having no desire to run again?

All silly, I know. But how many times to I get all excited about things just to quit? Too many times. It's time to change. And change is hard.